SO I and my wonderful pre-natal supporter had a session yesterday….
I had a lot going on in daily life, and at 9 weeks pregnant, connection to my little one was a bit nebulous at times. Busy home life, busy work life. I suppose I didn’t give myself credit for hearing the communication that was happening in other ways and I was returning to that biochemical-physical need. The doubting Thomas – wonderings like: ‘Why aren’t I feeling sick with this pregnancy? Why am I only experiencing some tiredness and why oh why aren’t my symptoms reducing me to a heap of groaning drain on the sofa, unable to communicate with others / play with my children / make dinner / be a super-woman?
My ‘Witness’ and Space Holder (who works in pre and peri natal fields) reflected that I have done so much self-work that maybe the intuitive self was getting there, getting stronger, and that things (emotional / physical) might be clearer in this pregnancy?
I spoke of how my growing embryo seems to communicate at a different level, like a philosophy student in a tweed jacket. There is such wisdom and a real clarity of light, and connection to a higher realm. I had been reading what Wendy McCarthy (Welcoming Consciousness) said about the different levels of communication and I realised that this is transcendental rather than a physical / body communication. That made me feel better.
I spoke of how guilt seems to be my M.O. Guilt about not being the best mother, guilt about how everything I do is impacting my little one, and my 2 children. How I was struggling with just being a good-enough mother. I feel I can differentiate on some levels between what is mine and my baby’s but I wondered if it will still affect him/her? My Witness reflected that being and showing ‘human’ is also important and it allows the baby to experience that of me and of the world it is coming into.
I related some stories of how my older children seem so good with things, how they can communicate through shock or frightening times, how they tell me their fears and their joys – verbally and non-verbally, and my Witness suggested; Hey, maybe I am not doing such a bad job after all!
We settled with intention. What is my intention today? It became ‘connection to my growing baby, or trusting the connection that I have as much as I feel the little one seems to trust it’.
We settled into the process and I found there seemed to be a ‘trampoline’ between my upper body and my womb, a protector, a divide to help the baby not soak ‘me’ up so much. I didn’t want it to feel the sadness and anger and trauma that I feel sometimes, so there was this trampoline there to bounce it all back up to me. Beneath the trampoline, the baby lay, so vast and free, in its little tweed jacket, being all philosophical, looking at its wise little toes, being with everything and nothing and knowing of its OK.
So what did my body need my Witness asked?
TO TRUST! Trust that the feelings I was having were ok. The baby is OK and the doubting Thomas part of me could just rest, be quiet for a while. And what can resource you? My family, my husband and my children. The love.
What is getting in the way?
Well, as it turns out, it was my mind. The thoughts, the brain, the constancy of them trudging along. And so the process began. I was in the womb, looking towards this fuzzy light, wanting to go there. My sense was that it was more star-like than earth-like. But it disappeared and I was here alone in the dark. I became so aware of my eyes, my nose, my frontal bone, tension and twisting. Third eye knarling inward…
My body movements were all head, looking this way and that. Seeking, searching something. Left to right left to right. Then another light, harsher, more fluorescent. I did not like this light. And the tunnel came into view then, but I was tired.
The birth canal lay in front of me but man, I was stuck, my body was trying to move and stuck stuck stuck. I didn’t like this. Head butting this cervix that wasn’t for budging. And the silence…. ( I should say here my mother is deaf and this has come up in several guises in sessions, mostly represented by silence – though she can talk, but it feels like the silence of my own voice).
And so, there was a sense of cells slowly quieting even more, pins and needles and then sleepiness. The epidural takes its hold. So groggy. Groggily going nowhere and, not really caring too much about that. My witness suggests placing my hands on my head and allowing whatever needs to be.
So tight… so tight…. hands come down squeeeeezing my forehead, eye. Squish. Here is my neck so tightly held. And I feel bewildered. And I feel my umbilicus, my belly button being tugged and I really don’t like that. And here is a shoulder and finally I can stretch and move that arm. Another shoulder. More physical freedom. But I feel so quiet and with no voice. Stretching up and out here I am. But there seems to be no trumpet sound, no whoops of joy, no applause, not even an exclamation mark. Quiet. And I feel so worried and anxious in this newness and almost… suspended.
What is this worry?
Its my cord. Its my mouth. I can’t breathe. Can I breathe? Where is breath? What is breath??? This was the silent worry of waiting for nourishment. Pause.
And suddenly, so suddenly, I fill up with breath with lungs and a nose is there. It breathes too. It is a little cold. And I am cold. But here are these lungs inside filling and emptying. This is a different sense.
And then, with this breath, I have awareness of my 41-year-old body with my baby and the trampoline has some room to move and expand. My baby can breathe too. There is connection in the physical realm, but there is trust of the transcendental too. And all the while, my baby lies back, tiny leg-stumps crossed (almost) and basks in the mammas renewed awareness of the trust that this little being has been floating in all along.
And my baby body again is here, exploring its mouth and head. Poking and turning slowly. Still quiet. Still wondering what has happened, but seems more OK in the quiet now. Belly doesn’t hurt. Eyes can open. They are wider. There still seems to be a sense of numbness and I feel it as an OK nothing.
And we leave the session here, being able to breathe and see and being OK in that. Being able to trust that both sets of senses are OK, the physical and transcendental.
I feel my womb with my hands and sense presence. I feel so so tired, but glad of the journey to breath and back to Trust.
I slowly go back to my kitchen, and my children smile and look at me differently. They see love. I see love and feel wide and grateful and happy. I rest a while and we do bedtime all together. I feel lighter. My husband says he can sense the baby more (and he never says things like that). My children kiss my belly. My son asks if there is a baby in there.
The evening is felt physically with stretching and good cramping and this continues. My baby has more growing room and is having a field day with this new space, and this knowledge that his mother has tuned into trust again.
And I feel as though the experiencing of what’s mine and his can be healthy, though I now see more clearly how my changes and the differentiation within that are good for my baby’s being. We can both breathe. And we can both Trust.
©Babysoulbeam.com October 2015