Category Archives: Pre-natal poetry

Flowing through: Unity and Self

“I am of you, I am with you, and yet I am.”

When I feel my children and my incoming soul, I feel the unity, the interwoven nature of our lives, our beings. I feel the cellular connection, not just in how my children may look or act like me at times but how the receiving of all of my little ones changes my body so much, in recognition of them and resonance with them.

And, within this I feel the fabulous individuation! The ‘I AM’ of my children. I feel how this individuality within the unity of the family is what makes things complete. It is how the puzzle pieces – which are in and of themselves, complete – further serve to complete a greater picture of family, and allow the constellation of family to be seen, strengthened and to shine.

I remember vividly the night I knew my second child was coming, or rather felt the validation of my ‘vibes’ a bit more.  I did a meditation that Shelley Lemaire had recorded and recommended. Sitting in my kitchen with my older baby asleep upstairs, I saw / felt / perceived somehow the essence of her. She was so strong and sure, such a certain presence beside me. And that image / feeling / sense of her never left me. Nor did the feeling of another little one in front of us, off in the distance who is my incoming now.

I remember how my daughter’s birth was described and received by Shelley and I before she came. I remember how it was seen as her coming from me and yet back into me. I remember listening to Shelley voice it and then her encouraging me to describe it as I saw it –  a mollusc-ey movement from inside a shell to form the spiral of the shell again together. SO powerful.

I remember too, the doubts I had in my body coming up to her birth – when would she come / how would she come… the ‘noise’ around that, which served only to stress me out and make it harder to hear the voice of her certainty, her knowing. And then I remember when she was born – it was like the movement I saw. How she emerged and the sense of never having been separate! Two years ago, almost at the very time I write this now….

koruplant_650

And here she is, this two year old beauty, this individual, this massive, wonderful, colourful, everything-full, juicy person who is so unique – and yet we will be ever part of each other.

I witness this unity and individuation in work sessions with mothers-to-be more and more. This settling in the fluid unity  – the two bodies, two souls mutually nourishing each other, resting in each other and then the emergence of the individuality of the little soul  as it is received within and the mamma in her own soul’s wisdom.

I see the message clearly now, that birth is, and should be without boundaries, without force. With true listening and respect to hearing what the little one brings, it can be. The sense of the recognition of unity, at a deep cellular and soul level, bringing a flow in movement towards the baby’s emergence feels so much kinder than the set-up as we have known it – a system and process bathed in counteracting the fear of pain.

I see this kindness at a deep cellular level, that the bones become fluid, the whole structure moves in dynamic unity. I see it as more than a ‘mind over matter’ experience, more than something we can train ourselves to go through with ease. In recognising the fluidity of what the baby brings, it becomes simple.

It IS painful to exist in separation. It IS painful to challenge what can be your deepest and most divine connection and move forward in that continuous contest.

Isn’t it wonderful to receive our own unique-ness and that of our children?

Isn’t it wonderful to see how this receiving can bring us to true unity with one another!

Wouldn’t it be wonderful if we received this unity and flow as we carry our little ones in body and birth them from body!

I love it!

I am your incoming soul, whom you have received.

I have my voice that you feel, you know, you live.

I move through you, I live through you

My coming cannot be forced or driven

My embodiment is your embodiment

My flow is your flow

We are all at once, one and another

But My truth is My own

My soul is strength

My life is love

Receive Me in love, support Me in flow, and birth Me in simplicity.

©babysoulbeam.com Feb 2016

Infinitely Intimate

So, our Global Unified Body listened again last night. There was so much that we shared together to hear and settle with the messages of the ‘incoming souls’ (as they are named beyond the blue).

There was so much in the physical change of it all, my nervous system felt old, then quiet, then new and tingly.

There was such a wonderful sense of the vulnerability of the female being interwoven with the masculine breath of strength. The peaceful warrior. ‘Masculeminine’, ‘Feminasculine’;  a merging of both to show a union of beauty. Hands clasped in connection. Neither greater, neither lesser. A weaving of sensuous strength.

And with this… emerging… such a sense of the ‘old’ ways of being needing to welcome the new. The old ears, the old eyes and the old ways of speaking. The old nervous system in its state of alert and readiness to flee from things seems to be making way for an ‘Iron Man’ of goodness and softness. The throat clearing for its new speech.

There is such awareness of moving forward through the fear of hearing our own voices, of speaking our truths, and of seeing clearly that the ‘dream’ is real.

That my little soul waiting is setting me up as a vessel to carry him, to birth him from his purity is awesome. That by receiving myself and this little soul in my heart, I can receive others and they can receive me. This is breath-taking to me.

That the little ones already here are telling us to listen to their siblings, and their embodied connection to the light (that we ‘human’ / ‘matter-ize’ ourselves out of so much) is also breath-taking.

And as the ‘sisterhood’ sat with this awareness of receiving, there was such an awareness of the soul sweetening into the heart.

For me it felt like a precious golden fluid, settling in my heart, and this, connecting with the golden soul-fluid of everyone.

And as this settled, here was the hand to hold it all, holding hearts in the palm of its acceptance. The unification of this felt so huge that it became an intimate viewing. Receiving One and receiving all in the tiniest and most vast moment.

So I sat and wrote the following for ‘me’ and my golden soul fluid, for my golden baby-beam soul fluid and so for all:

 

Where there is an old soul, there sits a new

Infinitely intimate, we two

Infinitely intimate with all heart’s souls – trickling gold

Sitting in the hand, the open hold

Beyond joy, pain, loss, grief

Beyond anything we know.

And we connect and love, and rest in this

stunning landscape of still unity.

GALLERY-GWC-6016-HandGod

 

© Babysoulbeam.com Nov 2015

 

 

Living in the Beam

tumblr_miv39gxOEW1r3a6jho1_500I started this website with a tenuous but very present connection to the soul of the baby I wait for. I started it to give voice to, and share some personal pre-conception, pre-natal awareness, and to invite others to share in that too.  The name of the website came as a jumble of words that my husband and I merged together. It just sounded right and gave the right imagery to things and resonated with me somehow.

The day after I wrote  The lonely end of the rainbow, and still during my miscarriage, I had another session with beautiful Shelley. The session was deeply meaningful and personal and very, very  awesome. There was so much to take in and to rest in, but one piece I feel is nice to share, is how my mish-mashing of words for the website came to be validated.

Instead of there being a sense that these were words we plucked randomly from somewhere, I am now fully aware of the beam I rest in, connected so intricately and immaculately to my baby’s soul. It is a beautiful place to be. It is vast and kind and comfortable and joyous, and I feel it now as clearly as I feel wind against my skin or ground against my feet.

It is like we had been guided to put these words together before the truth of them could be known.

So, while my body and ‘feeble’ mind continues to come to terms with the absence of my baby’s body, the absence of pregnancy……. I rested briefly in the beamy light and this is what emerged:

 

Living in the Beam

Taking time to listen, hear, open, believe.

Allowing the body to truly receive,

In a place where tiredness is.

In a place where my womb is emptying.

Where my bodymind readjusts to the loss of you

and rejoices in the finding of you again.

And They say how to manage,

and They say what to do

But I feel the connection, the love, the You.

So I ride in the troughs of grief and

dance on the frothy white crests of hope

And when I really hear You,

You say “Less fear please, I’ve got this one.

Watch, settle, wait, receive. There is time.

There is magic happening. Quiet, stunning, magic”.

Challenging to fully surrender to this,

But I know I can

because

Before, I conceived of You, as only in a dream

Now, You show me, You live me, Baby Soul Beam

 

©Babysoulbeam.com October 19 2015

The lonely end of the rainbow

Today, on ‘Pregnancy and Infant Loss Awareness day’ and a couple of days after I wrote ‘Trusting the baby in the tweed jacket’  I lost my baby.

I should say, we lost him 5 months ago too, and were so happy when I became pregnant again, feeling that this was his chance to come in as he needed to.

I say ‘lost’, because that is my sense of it. He is lost to me physically, and yet there is the hope that I will find him again physically. I felt the energy of him about me through the whole process, and I do yet. But I had been confused about the Trust in the last post because of the feeling / not feeling sense of where my baby was at.

This morning, before we went to the hospital, as I felt my womb become less-pregnant, I asked for a sign that my little one was OK. I felt him all around me, and then from the playroom, one of those weird talky-toys left in a corner under a heap of teddies randomly said ‘Hello!’… OOOOeeeeeooooo

At the hospital they did a scan. This tiny, tiny dot on the screen that had stopped growing was our baby. The doctors hedged their bets as they said he may continue to grow, but I knew this part of the story was over. And yet, as we floated through the daze of bumps and heartbeats that were not ours, I felt him around me still. A vast presence wrapped around my belly.

In the car, we talked about our oldest child, who – at 3 years old- shortly after we found out we were expecting again had said “Mam, its time for there to be a baby swimming in your belly now”. And our 20 month old, who had randomly started kissing my belly every night. How just recently my older child said ‘There’s a baby in that belly now mammy”.  We agreed that, if they asked, we would tell our babies that this little one had just gone on holiday and will be back in my belly soon again.

When I got home, I felt as though we needed to let our baby go back to the stars and sat outside in the autumn sun, with our dogs, my husband pottering around, coming to hold me, and we asked the ancestors to guide him and be with him. I came in to rest, and here, I felt him again, around me as he has been for so long.

I was confused again. Its like he’s an energetic boomerang. And while it made me happy, I was so confused. Here is my womb weeping and expelling the physical body of my baby, cramping, telling me this pregnancy is gone from us. And between the cramps, I feel something like renewal, and the presence that is unwavering and faithful to the end. The heart energy that I feel so much in my work is there, the orbs of connection that are beyond boundary are strong.

My brain shouts ‘SHUT UP! This can’t be!’ The old me who resides a lot in her head. There is the vibrant redness that symbolises life-ending and life-sustinance all together. The end to the nervous knicker-watching of the past few days, and what really shouldn’t feel like a new beginning. It’s all just odd.

And then there is the grief. The sadness for the face I have seen so often when I close my eyes. The sadness for my husband’s sadness. The sadness of the giddy excited-ness of meeting my baby and it being kissed and slobbered on by parents, siblings, relations and dogs alike. The sadness of that feeling of not-being-pregnant anymore. Just me. Alone again. Being one.

And in the grief, Boomerang Boy pops up. Like a horizontal disc, or plane of awareness around my belly. So I sleep and hope the process goes quickly.

In the evening I heard from Shelley. She is wonderful. She has guided me through all of my pregnancies and the previous miscarriage. Together over the past few months we have shared our similar impressions of this little soul. She has been unwavering in her trust of this being. I am too weary to speak but she sits with our story herself and sends me a recording of her impressions. They resonate so much with me and help me find the trust again. She feels how much this little one is turning my understanding of what is ‘normal’ inside out. This is the reason I am able to write in this sleeplessness.

This is the reason I am able to write the following:

Microsoft Word - Sombrero Galaxie im Sternbild Jungfrau.doc

Trust in(side )Sadness

My little lost love,

You wear me as a tutu of energy all around me

Twinkly, full of vibrancy, full of the dance.

My body is unsure and my brain is old-school – thinking too much.

And you twirl around me, making my understanding dizzy

And you spin a torus to the stars,

sparkling this way and that.

Your tiny earthly body leaving now

My body mourns your absence.

Tweedy Tiny Teacher, wise as wideness.

I still don’t understand why, but you say ‘Trust!’

And I try to park my grief, and follow your lead

Breathe. Release. Like the tides,

the current of the unknown will bring me back to you in time.

Healthy, strong, creative and full of love.

Your Mamma is waiting.

 

 

©Babysoulbeam.com October15 2015

 

 

Bringing Mama back through the baby soul beam

dancing light

I watched you both

Mother, Father

I,  as a flash, a twinkle, a light.

Waiting.

It seemed timeless, weightless, boundless – this space.

A trajectory of nothing and everything all at once,

and vast, so vast. I was happy there.

But happy to know you two.

The infinity of being, could come with me. I felt it.

Becoming form – and knowing the endless love and light of Oneness.

But somehow, on the way, I forgot that infinity. I became fluid-less form..

Scared, angry, lost, – thinking I was alone

Confused.

Hiding the light, holding the light, forgetting the light

Surrendering to form as leader, the storyteller.

Misunderstanding the fluid-form-light dance.

 

And then,

My growing baby’s soul beam showed me the light again

Now, ‘Me’, here and full and bright again.

Potential.

Connected across all time to those who sailed before me, and to come yet.

 

 

 

©babysoulbeam.com September 2015